Kylie Whyte-Reynolds

Kylie Whyte-Reynolds
20.05.85 – 06.06.85

For my beautiful angel Kylie.

22 years have passed since you were born and yet I remember it all in detail. So much has happened since then, you have 3 big brothers and each one of them knows about you. There are times that I wish you back, but to have you here would mean you suffering a lifetime of pain and uncertainty, as well as changing the course of time, meaning that your brothers would not be here had you survived. I have pondered these thoughts throughout the years and only of late, accepted that it was to be that you would be lent to me for the shortest of time. And, although very short, you gave me a lifetime of memories. I was with you for every day of your sweet life and I treasure that above everything.

Your story

I found out I was expecting you when I was just 18, quite a surprise!! Everyone was quite shocked but after a short time were very excited as this was to be the first grandchild on mine and Daddy’s side. I had terrible morning sickness (all day sickness, in fact!) and your Dad was always there to support me through this. I had my cravings, garlic bread and Madeira cake and your Dad and your Godmother, Hilary, always did their best to get these for me!! I was devastated, when at 26 weeks the Doctor told me to cut back on sugar as there was quite a high trace in my samples. If only he had monitored me more carefully!

At 28 weeks, I popped into the Doctors as I was very upset about the size of my swollen ankles (more a vanity thing as I didn’t know the implications of this!!). The Doctor took my blood pressure and it was 180/140 – way too high! He called an ambulance straight away for me to be taken to hospital. I was so scared, I didn’t have a clue what was happening. And I didn’t feel ill, just bad headaches and ugly ankles!

Once there I was hooked up to all sorts of machines and sedated. I was only allowed one visitor a day, they thought more would raise my BP. They didn’t realise that having to choose between your Daddy and my family was making my stress soar! They told me I had pre-eclampsia – I had never heard of it. They wanted me to have bed rest for 2 weeks to allow you time to grow bigger. This was on Friday 17th May 1985.

On Monday 20.05.85, during a ward round, the consultant advised that I was to have an emergency caesarean at midday. I cried and cried, I had already had a scan which foretold that you would weigh approx 2lb. I was so scared. You were too small. It was too early. Your Daddy made it to the hospital and was there as they wheeled me down to theatre. I can remember the porter insisting that I was having a boy and I got so angry as I was certain you were a girl! I also had a midwife suggesting that I should not go through with the C Section. Her words were, I remember them exactly ‘You will be left with a scar and go through a huge op, and your baby probably will not survive!’ Can you believe that sweet angel? I had already been told that you probably would not survive normal labour as you were too small, and this idiot midwife gave me advice like that!!!

I was put out for the op, there wasn’t enough time to give me an epidural, so the next thing I remember is coming around and being shown a Polaroid picture of you. You looked so beautiful . Daddy saw you when you had been born and he heard you cry. He said you face and head was like that of a small orange, you were so tiny.. I didn’t get to see you for 36 hours as they wouldn’t let me until I could get out of bed. I was still being sedated as my BP was so high. I will never forget the struggle in trying to walk to prove that I could see you. I was scared it would be too late. But you fought hard so that Mummy could get to you, didn’t you.

When I saw you for the first time, I couldn’t believe how small you were. The photos were quite deceiving, you had looked bigger. But in time your size seemed normal and all regular weight babies seemed alien to me.

I had to stay in hospital for 10 days after the op, so I was with you constantly, just sitting there singing to you, stroking you, willing you to live. The Doctors told me if they hadn’t operated when they did, I would have died. This concerns me as I had not heard of the condition and I worry that still today there are many Mummy’s that don’t know about it.

You were a stubborn little Missy (Taurean – any wonder – same sign as your Dad and one of your older brothers). I used to try and clean your mouth with a cotton bud and you used to squeeze your mouth shut. As soon as I stopped trying, you would relax your lips. Little nightmare!! At first the machines scared me, all of the alarms and noises were so confusing, but in time they became reassuring as we learnt how to read them. The hospital was so strict, allowing only Grandparents and siblings in to see you. So we used to create fictional relatives to sneak them in so that they could spend time with you also.

You had many ups and downs and your birth weight dropped from 2lb to just over 1.5 lb. You were 28cm long (almost the size of a ruler!). Whenever they fiddled with you, you would decline and have to be monitored intently. You had blood transfusions, brain scans, heat lamps, everything you needed to help in your fight to survive. The Doctors were pleased with your progress but we knew there was a long road ahead.

The hardest part was when I was discharged and I couldn’t be with you all the time. But despite a long journey I was with you pretty much the whole day anyway. A couple of times when you were struggling I stayed over. One night, I was meant to be staying at Nannies house, but I opted to stay with you as you were declining. The next day, you had again pulled through, with no impact to your brain and other vital organs. Later in that day, the consultant came to me and said that you were going to be put on a super high tech ventilator. The hospital was going to rent it from another hospital as they did not have this piece of equipment. They knew you were special enough to warrant this expenditure!

Once again, when you were fiddled with to swap over machines, you heart beat and oxygen levels dropped, but you stabilised eventually. I stayed with you all evening and at about 10.00pm I went to Nanny’s house. When we left the hospital that night, we drove through the most torrential rain I have ever known. I remember saying to your Nanny that I thought this was an ominous sign, but being Nanny, she told me I was being silly!

No sooner had we reached home, we had a phone call, saying that you were deteriorating and that we should come back. Oh Kylie, I sobbed and sobbed, we had come so far! We all got back (I can’t remember the times exactly, but it was about midnight) and was met by the medical staff. They told us that you would not make it until the morning. We asked for the hospital priest to baptise you with your family present. I remember holding your tiny hand and you tightened your fingers round my finger. This was to be the last reflex that you showed that night. I will treasure that forever, I know you were telling me I had to let go and that you would be alright. Thank you for that xx

The Doctors told us that you would not make it until morning and that you were fading. They told us we could hold you. This was the first and only time I had you in my arms, my angel. Bittersweet memories sweetheart. I was happy to have you close to me, but knew that you were going to leave us. Your Daddy held you so close baby, and our families watched on through the glass. After some time, the Doctors told us they were going to turn the machines off, we agreed. I ran crying out of SCBU and your Pops caught me as I collapsed, breaking my heart. I am so sorry that I did not stay, I couldn’t, the pain was too much to bear.

A very short while later, the consultant came to see us and he said that although the machines had still been switched on, your heartbeat whilst you were in our arms had slowed to such an extent, that you would not have recovered. He explained that once the machines had been switched off, you had already gone. You waited for us to hold you, didn’t you, my darling. You had Mummy and Daddy close and you were ready to leave. I take such comfort from that my little angel.

The following days were a blur. Mummy and Daddy’s family got us through it, somehow. We had your funeral 6 days after you left us and the sun came out after a week of rain. This was the hardest day to bear since your passing. Daddy carried your tiny coffin, he wanted to be able to do one thing for you. It was heartbreaking. I felt numb, like it wasn’t happening, I couldn’t accept this was how it was. So much so, that at the graveside, I totally lost the plot and wanted to be in the grave with you, I didn’t want my little girl to leave me and if I hadn’t been held back I would have gone straight in there and taken you back. I still cannot handle coming to your grave because of that, that’s why I come only on your birthday and the day that you left us now.

So today, my darling, we will be there, and we will plant your flowers to mark the very special day that you came into our lives. And I will come back on the day that you left us. That’s all I can do. But I never forget, never. And even the passage of time can’t take way my memories of my special angel princess.

This is the first time I have written your story and I am in floods of tears, because it still hurts. But to anyone reading this, the pain does ease, your heart although never becomes whole, does heal. You never forget, but you smile and laugh again and in time you see there is a reason for all of this. If my Kylie had survived she would have had extensive brain damage, chronic heart and lung disease and although I would have loved and cared for her, her life would never have been whole. I am grateful now, that she was spared from that. Now she is an angel in heaven, surrounded by eternal love and peace and I know one day we will be reunited. In the meantime she watches over us and at times is by our sides. My middle son has had experiences too and we know that is his lovely big sister. I have smelt her and felt her and I know that she was only given to us for a short time so that she could have eternal peace in Gods beautiful garden.

Sleep peacefully my firstborn, my only daughter xxx

We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.
It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.
This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.
I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.
The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.
It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.
And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.
It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.
I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!




Hugs From Heaven
by Charlotte Anselmo

When you feel a gentle breeze
Caress you when you sigh
It's a hug sent from Heaven
From a loved one way up high.

If a soft and tender raindrop
Lands upon your nose
They've added a small kiss
As fragile as a rose.

If a song you hear fills you
With a feeling of sweet love
It's a hug sent from Heaven
From someone special up above.

If you awaken in the morning
To a bluebird's chirping song
It's music sent from Heaven
To cheer you all day long.

If tiny little snowflakes
Land upon your face
It's a hug sent from Heaven
Trimmed with Angel lace.

So keep the joy in your heart
If you're lonely my dear friend
Hugs that are sent from Heaven
A broken heart will mend.